Since before the start of this semester, I’ve been feeling listless. I was grinding along in my job and grinding along with my family, just doing what I had to to keep it all going, but none of it really felt meaningful or even particularly enjoyable. That didn’t actually improve any with the start of this semester. As a matter of fact, it just got worst because, as I’ve mentioned before, my family has increased their demands on my time since then. Nothing actually changed with their overall life situation, they just decided I need to give them more of my time.
This is more or less how it’s gone throughout my time at university. I try to focus on my classes, they keep trying to drag me down, I scrape by and keep my grades up, repeat. I put up with it because they help with the financial aspect of things, but it’s getting ridiculous now. I barely have time to do my assignments these days, which is one of the reasons I quit my job of two years earlier this semester. (I was planning to quit anyway, but would have done so later instead)
Now finals are just around the corner, I’m behind on several assignments (including a term paper), and I have no idea how I’m going to manage this time. The only good thing about the situation is that it shouldn’t happen again (at least now quite like this), since I only have two non-full-time semesters left before finishing my degree.
Through it all the only real escape I’ve had is a small study group I’m involved in which provides an acceptable excuse to get away from my family for a while. Participating in the group hasn’t been as helpful for my grades as I’d like, but I’m not doing it for that reason anyway. No, the real reasons are as I said above (to get time away from my family) and because my contributions to the group seem to actually be helpful.
Even so, it’s a bit too much now. I haven’t had a break in over two years and it’s finally caught up with me. Even these posts are starting to wear me down. This is something like the fourth post I’ve made saying basically the same thing, and I’d really like to stop the repeats sometime soon. Even if things don’t change in an appreciable way, I’d like to adjust my outlook between now and my next life-related post.
I used to be different. In between my time as a NEET and now, I was efficient and cold. I (truly) didn’t care about anything and would just work like a machine to achieve my goals. Or at least, the goals set before me. I miss that. Somewhere along the way (actually I know the exact date, but if I say it it may give someone the wrong idea), I started to think I could get more from life. While that’s probably true, it looks like it’ll have to be later on rather than right away. Thus, I’ve got to find my way back to the almost mechanical mindset I used to have. The particulars of my situation weren’t much different back then, but I was less unhappy and right now that’s all I want.
Most likely I’ll not make many life-related posts for the foreseeable future, so any of you who care probably won’t get any updates for a while. I should still post on a semi-regular basis (~1/week), but for the most part it’ll be about my other interests instead of endlessly going on about my frustrations in life.
See you later, and have a good weekend!