What do I do next?

 

Hey peeps, how’s it going? Normally when I post I just kinda go on a rant with all the random stuff I’d been thinking about since the last post. I’ve had a pretty large amount to say, and I just went ahead and didn’t even bother to think first. This time will be (a little) different, since I’m not so interested in whining about my life as I am about changing it.

Regarding music, I dunno. I’m vacillating between more anime tracks and… something else, so I’ll just do both (one’s in the full post)!

OK SO:

  • Sorry for brining up such an old song
  • Not actually sorry
  • I don’t think 2006 is old for a song
    • Probably because I’m that old
  • Music videos were weird back then
    • They’re still weird now

As for the bulk of the post, well I’m getting pretty close to finally graduating so the reality that I’m gonna have to do something is started to really dawn on me. I mean, it’s not like I wasn’t aware that I’d have to go find something to do with myself once I’m out of university, but I’d been kind of avoiding thinking about it deeply. So what has returned it to the front of my mind? A school assignment, amusingly enough.

It was one of those standard “what is your personal vision?” type things which are annoyingly common throughout most degrees, but because of my particular educational path I’ve managed not to have one since my last marketing class over three years ago. So this came along and I was like, “ok this’ll be simple enough, I’ll just modify one of my old ones and hand it in!”

OOOooohhhh boy was I in for a surprise.

First I had to dig out some of my old “visions” and go over them. Everything was good until this point, which is where it all went downhill.

To be clear, digging out the old ones was the first step. I’m saying it went bad instantly.

Finding them was easy, I maintain reasonably organised files. Going over them though? Well that was kinda rough. See, I made those back in “the day” when I actually had some plan for what I was going to do in my life. It wasn’t an amazing plan (it involved a bakery), but it existed and was written long enough ago that I should have hit some of the milestones by now. I’ve not hit any. Seeing how well I’ve managed to fail at relatively simple goals like those was not pleasant, and as I kept going through others it just got worse.

By the time I was done I found myself sitting in my chair, quietly crying about the nothing I’d accomplished since writing those assignments.

So yeah, I didn’t end up reusing my old assignment. Instead, I wrote a new one, where I admitted that I don’t really know what I want to do in the future. I’ve got a lot of options, some of which are better than others, and none of which really grab me as being really fantastic. Still, gotta do something, so I outlined the more likely ones and noted how I could work to achieve them.

Ok great, assignment done.

  • It was a simple assignment in all honesty, graded on effort and participation rather than on content
    • I knew this going in, I just prefer to make a real effort
  • I probably did more work than it was worth
    • Who am I kidding? It was definitely more work that it was worth
      • More tears for sure too

Of course, if that was the end of the story I wouldn’t be here typing right now, would I? (I wouldn’t. Probably. I might, but it’d be in an article rather than blog format)

Doing that whole process of taking stock of my life and trying to figure out what I want to do got me thinking I don’t like the direction I’m headed. Mainly, that’s because I have no clue what that direction will actually be.

I’ve spent most of my life just doing what I’m told. It’s worked out fine, even when I’m told to do things which don’t actually work. I generally make whatever adjustments are needed to make the plan work, then carry on as charged. Even going to university in the first place was not something I chose to do for myself. I was told I’ve got to and get this degree so that’s what I’ve been doing. The timing wasn’t what I’d prefer either, but it’s worked out well enough. I have put a couple of twists of my own into the minutiae, but yeah, overall not my choice.

The part that bugs me is that I can see another such point coming up again. I may need to move soon, and the reason isn’t clear at all. I don’t even actually know what I want, but I do know that I’m getting tired of just obeying all the time. I’d at least like to know why I’m doing what I’m doing.

So we come to the main point of this whole post: with another reasonably large life decision coming up, I ask myself what should I do next? This time around, there aren’t as many rules to get in my way so I technically can do what I want. But what is that? I’ve been blindly grinding along for so long I don’t know what I want anymore. I don’t actually know if I ever did. What I do know is that what I’ve been doing has been working, so I’m honestly probably going to just keep doing that for now.

However, this time will be a little different, since this time I’ll actually be looking out for alternatives. I may not know exactly what I want, but I do know that it isn’t this. Not anymore.

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